Saturday, November 24, 2007
Homophobic friend
Few months ago I came out to my best friend. We have been friends for more than 18 years now. I have told many good friends about my sexuality and she is as if the last person I told due to the fact that she is homophobic.One day, to cut the story short, she convinced me that she is willing to listen and understand me whatever 'big secret' that I'm going to tell her. In fact, she told me she already have some idea of what I'm going to tell her. And so I did after she has persuaded me for almost an hour.Right after that night, things have changed. I am a person who has strong faith in Buddhism and have always wanted to pursue a short term Buddhism studies in Nepal. My best friend secretly contacted my sister (whom I already came out to) and told my sis her intention to sponsor me to study Buddhism in Nepal in hope that the event will change me (as in turning me straight). I was disappointed that she sees the academy as a 'rehabilitation centre' to 'cure me'.Lately my best friend has been so involved in Buddhism, she even take refuge as a Buddhist, attended a retreat and meditation and become a nun for 9 days. She told me that she did it because of me. I advised her not to meditate when her mind is filled with hatred and attachment. Yes, hatred because she told me she is disgusted that I'm a Buddhist who is a lesbian. Right now, I have nothing to say but to leave her to find the answer for herself. I believe one day my dear friend will understand what makes me happy to be who I am and not being someone that I am not.Labels: personal
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Lesbianism Begin In All-Girls Schools - My Story
It was 1990.
I was sitting in the last row of the class overlooking the girl that I admired most. She was no doubt the most gorgeous looking girl that I ever met.
Oh, have I not tell you that I'm easily fell for strangers? Jeanne (not her real name) was no stranger to me but relatively we were still new friends considered that we had never spoken to each other during Form 1.
Because of this strange feelings I had for her, I told my friend Anna (not her real name) about it. Remember, I was still naive about what gay was at that time. Without my knowledge, Anna told Jeanne about my feelings.
Being an introvert (yes, not all gay and lesbian are flamboyant and extrovert) and shy person, Jeanne approached me first and showed me signs that she was into me as well. We went out for movies and became inseparable in school.
Then the problem came. My results dropped tremendously. My parents thought I was too involved in sports. The problem isn't with Jeanne either. It was me. I was still struggling accepting my sexuality. I did not know who to turn to or speak to about myself, my feelings, my problems, etc. Not even Jeanne because we were only physically attracted to each other.
To fix my studies problem, I decided to leave Jeanne and concentrate on my year-end examination. She wasn't happy with what I did.
After seeing my results improved, I decided that I want her back in my life. But it was too late. She ended up with another classmate of ours instead.
My heart was broken. The world seemed collapsed. She was my first love. And I had to bear this feelings with me for the next 7 years.
P.S. Whenever I listen to this song, it will remind me of her.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Lesbianism Begin In All-Girls Schools?
I thought it was. But about 10 years ago, when I first started meeting other PLU, I realized that I was wrong.
These PLU were not only from all-girls schools but even co-ed schools. Some of them did not even realized they were lesbians until they came out to the society and started working. Some were even married and have kids only to realized their other preference later on in their lives. All these while, most of them were in denial until the internet came into our lives and change the way we looked at ourselves.
I am one of those girls who studied in an all-girls school. I wouldn't deny the fact that it is actually quite true that my school's environment helped me in finding my own self. Ever since I was a child I was tomboyish climbing trees, sword-fighting with other boys in my neighbourhood and playing cards by the longkang. I never liked to wear skirts and my hair was always short because of the school's policy. When I was in dramas, I would always get the leading male roles because of my look (ahem!) and my height. And I did enjoy every minute of fame I had in school.
The situation sort of like mould my androgynous character. No, perhaps I should say that the environment actually brought out the androgynous in me. Well but this is just in my case. Not everyone has the same situation like me to become a lesbian. Everyone has their own story. But I will just tell you mine.
Labels: androgynous, personal, plu
Monday, May 21, 2007
Coming Out of the Closet
One of the most important stage of a gay or lesbian is coming out of the closet by telling friends or family about his/her sexuality.
I came out when I was 20. When my long time buddy was studying in UK while I was studying in a local university here, we kept in touch via mIRC and ICQ. I always knew my sexual orientation and I knew she was a lesbian too but somehow we never talked about it.
In fact, I was in denial and tried every way that I can not to accept my 'difference'. However, one night while chatting, she asked me if I'm gay and without a doubt, I said yes. She admitted her sexuality too.
Well, like they always say, the rest is history.
Slowly I started to come out to my friends, ex-housemates and ex-colleagues. It was tough telling them but I got used to it and somehow I believe that I should let them know who I really am. So far, all my friends have accepted me and treat me as usual although some of them never mention anything about my sexuality again.
I really hope that one day I'll be able to come out to my family. I am not ready to break the news and see them hurt in the process of finding my true freedom now. Yes, freedom from hiding in this closet for so many years. I really want it so badly for my family members to know that this is the real me. The inside of me whom they have never seen before.
Labels: coming out, personal
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I am not proud to be gay...
I'm just proud to be who I really am.
While reminiscing my journey of the past (almost) two decades, I felt as if everything was just like yesterday. Instead of just putting everything behind, I believe I should put all my thoughts forward.
I'm not creating this blog to gain your support of my preferred lifestyle. And I'm definitely not trying to get your sympathy either. I just need a space where I can remain anonymous and blog about my so-called lesbian life and the plu (people like us) scene I know. While I'm out, although not totally, in the outside world, I want to remain closeted in the blogosphere.
What you are going to read are true stories. A compilation of my past, present and future journey.
Labels: personal
posted by AndroJ at 12:02 PM
