Thursday, May 24, 2007
Lesbianism Begin In All-Girls Schools - My Story
It was 1990.
I was sitting in the last row of the class overlooking the girl that I admired most. She was no doubt the most gorgeous looking girl that I ever met.
Oh, have I not tell you that I'm easily fell for strangers? Jeanne (not her real name) was no stranger to me but relatively we were still new friends considered that we had never spoken to each other during Form 1.
Because of this strange feelings I had for her, I told my friend Anna (not her real name) about it. Remember, I was still naive about what gay was at that time. Without my knowledge, Anna told Jeanne about my feelings.
Being an introvert (yes, not all gay and lesbian are flamboyant and extrovert) and shy person, Jeanne approached me first and showed me signs that she was into me as well. We went out for movies and became inseparable in school.
Then the problem came. My results dropped tremendously. My parents thought I was too involved in sports. The problem isn't with Jeanne either. It was me. I was still struggling accepting my sexuality. I did not know who to turn to or speak to about myself, my feelings, my problems, etc. Not even Jeanne because we were only physically attracted to each other.
To fix my studies problem, I decided to leave Jeanne and concentrate on my year-end examination. She wasn't happy with what I did.
After seeing my results improved, I decided that I want her back in my life. But it was too late. She ended up with another classmate of ours instead.
My heart was broken. The world seemed collapsed. She was my first love. And I had to bear this feelings with me for the next 7 years.
P.S. Whenever I listen to this song, it will remind me of her.
Labels: personal
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Lesbianism Begin In All-Girls Schools?
I thought it was. But about 10 years ago, when I first started meeting other PLU, I realized that I was wrong.
These PLU were not only from all-girls schools but even co-ed schools. Some of them did not even realized they were lesbians until they came out to the society and started working. Some were even married and have kids only to realized their other preference later on in their lives. All these while, most of them were in denial until the internet came into our lives and change the way we looked at ourselves.
I am one of those girls who studied in an all-girls school. I wouldn't deny the fact that it is actually quite true that my school's environment helped me in finding my own self. Ever since I was a child I was tomboyish climbing trees, sword-fighting with other boys in my neighbourhood and playing cards by the longkang. I never liked to wear skirts and my hair was always short because of the school's policy. When I was in dramas, I would always get the leading male roles because of my look (ahem!) and my height. And I did enjoy every minute of fame I had in school.
The situation sort of like mould my androgynous character. No, perhaps I should say that the environment actually brought out the androgynous in me. Well but this is just in my case. Not everyone has the same situation like me to become a lesbian. Everyone has their own story. But I will just tell you mine.
Labels: androgynous, personal, plu
Monday, May 21, 2007
Coming Out of the Closet
One of the most important stage of a gay or lesbian is coming out of the closet by telling friends or family about his/her sexuality.
I came out when I was 20. When my long time buddy was studying in UK while I was studying in a local university here, we kept in touch via mIRC and ICQ. I always knew my sexual orientation and I knew she was a lesbian too but somehow we never talked about it.
In fact, I was in denial and tried every way that I can not to accept my 'difference'. However, one night while chatting, she asked me if I'm gay and without a doubt, I said yes. She admitted her sexuality too.
Well, like they always say, the rest is history.
Slowly I started to come out to my friends, ex-housemates and ex-colleagues. It was tough telling them but I got used to it and somehow I believe that I should let them know who I really am. So far, all my friends have accepted me and treat me as usual although some of them never mention anything about my sexuality again.
I really hope that one day I'll be able to come out to my family. I am not ready to break the news and see them hurt in the process of finding my true freedom now. Yes, freedom from hiding in this closet for so many years. I really want it so badly for my family members to know that this is the real me. The inside of me whom they have never seen before.
Labels: coming out, personal
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Number of GLBT in Malaysia
So, how many gays and lesbians are there in Malaysia? I'm not really sure as well. However, if you visit Utopia Asia website, they believe there are approximately 4% of GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) from the total population. Let's say if the total population of Malaysia is 24 millions, there are about 960,000 GLBT in Malaysia!
Perhaps I should be a little bit realistic. So I chose a popular website for people like us (PLU) which is based in Singapore. Just for lesbians alone, there are about 1200 active profiles from Malaysia. The number of gays in this country is at least 10 times more than the number of lesbians here. But remember again, this is just a website which has been around for less than 10 years.
The number of GLBT is growing rapidly in this country not because people change their lifestyle. It's because of technology i.e. the internet and of course active role of certain groups of people who spread their voices and support for people like us through their network and events. More people are coming out of the closet and accept themselves as who they are. I am one of them.
Labels: glbt, malaysia, plu
The L Word
Have you guys watch The L Word? I've just finished watching season 4 and can't wait for the next season which will start shooting next month.
As far as I'm concern, even straight ladies like to watch this show. For the guys, I don't think you will be able to take it. No, I don't mean the many love making scenes on the show. You see, man is either a nanny, sperm donor or a dying father. Sound sexist, huh? I think so. But again, many feminists are lesbians and vice versa.
There are some huge names on this show such as Jennifer Beals, Marlee Matlin and Cybill Shepherd just to name a few. And of course there's the legendary Pam Grier on the show.
My favourite characters are definitely Shane and Alice. Shane played by Katherine Moennig is the player in this show (*spoiler ahead). However, after dumping her girlfriend, the beautiful Carmen played by Sarah Shahi, at the altar during the season finale of season 3, her character has become more mature and serious. Alice on the other hand, is played by Leisha Hailey. She is the funniest character on the show. When Carmen did not come back for season 4, I was totally crushed. The only reason that keeps me watching season 4 is because of the ever hilarious Alice.
What I really like about the show is that when I watch the show, the scenes are all too familiar. Lesbians hanging out at the cafe, happening lesbian party events, beautiful professional looking lesbians, etc, they are all exists. Issues tackled in this show such as coming out, female to male (FTM) transgendered, breast cancer, sexual harassment, artificial insemination, Iraq war, etc are heavy stuff that has been covered so far.
Oh, not to mention the great L Word original soundtrack. The songs are awesome.
Labels: television show, the l word
I am not proud to be gay...
I'm just proud to be who I really am.
While reminiscing my journey of the past (almost) two decades, I felt as if everything was just like yesterday. Instead of just putting everything behind, I believe I should put all my thoughts forward.
I'm not creating this blog to gain your support of my preferred lifestyle. And I'm definitely not trying to get your sympathy either. I just need a space where I can remain anonymous and blog about my so-called lesbian life and the plu (people like us) scene I know. While I'm out, although not totally, in the outside world, I want to remain closeted in the blogosphere.
What you are going to read are true stories. A compilation of my past, present and future journey.
Labels: personal
posted by AndroJ at 2:18 AM
